UPKEEP

Now that you’ve got a mustache, you’ve got to take care of it.

After all, it’s your Christian duty.

In Leviticus, the Bible teaches us that a man must always groom his mustache properly, or God will spite him with leprosy.

Leviticus 13:45:

As for the leper who has the infection, his clothes shall be torn, and the hair of his head shall be uncovered, and he shall cover his mustache and cry, &lsquo Unclean! Unclean!&rsquo

Yikes!

Luckily, managing your mustache can be simple and fun. As long as you follow my 88-step daily routine. I’ve included the first four steps here. Hopefully you can guess what the other 84 steps are.

THE ROUTINE

Step 1. Every morning, right after you wake up, you should cook bacon. At least five pounds of it. While cooking, stand over the pan and let the bacon fumes soak into your ’stache. This softens the hardened fibers of your liprug and begins to replenish the natural oils that have evaporated overnight. When the bacon is done, feed it to your children. Or someone else’s children. Pour the grease into an old ketchup bottle (make sure it’s the squeezable kind) and squirt some onto your finger. It rubs the grease on its mustache. Apply another coat every 15 minutes throughout the day for maximum sheen. Have your wife apply it when you’re sleeping.

Step 2. After applying the first coat of grease, drink a protein shake and eat one raw egg from North Carolina. (A South Carolina egg is OK, but only if North Carolina has ceased to exist.) Now you’re ready to comb. Move into the bathroom and pick up your custom-made mustache comb (you do have a custom-made mustache comb, don’t you? If not, shave your mustache and start again when your custom comb is ready). Begin combing your mustache from top to bottom, using steady, fluid strokes, making sure to apply pressure evenly across the blade of the comb. Look at the level on your comb’s handle to make sure your comb is positioned at exactly a 90-degree angle relative to your mustache fibers. While combing, you should be listening to The Final Countdown, by Europe. Continue combing until the song is over.

Step 3. Wash your hands with boiling water, then remove your tube of Clubman mustache wax from its glass enclosure. Gently slide it out of the cashmere holding bag and unscrew the cap with your thumb and pinky finger. Throw the cap away. Squeeze the tube ever so slightly to push out the hardened bit of wax at the top of the tube. Offer it to the Gods and, if they accept, use lighter fluid to burn it on the palm of your hand. If they don’t, you must eat it. Next, squeeze 1.5 cm of wax onto your forefinger and place the tube back in its glass enclosure. Rub the wax lovingly between your thumb and forefinger, letting your body heat soften the wax into a luscious paste. Examine your mustache in the mirror, then close your eyes to visualize the final product. Open your eyes and begin applying the wax to one side of your mustache, curling the ends of the strands around your forefinger. Repeat the process for the other side of your mustache. Screw a new cap onto the tube of wax and slip the tube back into its holding bag. Then place it back into its glass enclosure. Seal the enclosure and make sure the automatic oxygenator is set to maximum. Leave the bathroom and lock the door. Don’t re-enter the room until the next morning.

Step 4. Take a picture of your mustache and post it to Facebook.

Steps 5-88, which are not listed here, must also be followed. Failure to do so could result in apocalypse.

Now your mustache is ready to greet the world. But, unfortunately, the world can be a harsh place for a mustache. There are ultraviolet rays from the sun that give your mustache cancer, airborne pollutants that clog your pores and suffocate your suffering ’stache, as well as Homeland Security agents. These poorly-trained mercenaries frequently mistake honest men with facial hair for Al-Qaeda-trained terrorists. That’s why it’s important to remember to carry your American Mustache Institute certification card wherever you go. It could save your life. And your ’stache.

After all, no mustache is ever the same after it's been waterboarded.