GETTING STARTED

So. You’ve decided to grow a mustache?

Good for you. It’s probably the best decision you’ve made thus far in your more-or-less-meaningless life.

But don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s going to be a lot of work. It’s not like mustaches grow on trees. They grow on your face.

And unless you know what you’re doing, you could end up with a strip of scraggly split ends that could make a clown on heroin cry.

So let’s get to it. Here are the basics of growing a mustache.

DIET

In order for your mustache to flourish, you’ve got to nourish.

That means massive amounts of protein. Take your body weight and triple it. That’s how many grams of protein you should be eating every day during the first phase of growth, which lasts about a year.

That first year is absolutely critical. It’s the period when your mustache is most impressionable.

On that note, you should also watch what you say around your ’stache. Like parrots, mustaches absorb a lot of what you say and will reflect it back at you at the most inopportune times (think about it).

Lastly, Flintstone vitamins are a MUST. They’ve got Beta Carotene, which everyone knows is just another name for protein. Take them intravenously if you can.

TACTILE STIMULATION

Now that you’ve downed a few protein shakes and ridden the red brontosaurus, it’s time to put your hand upon that lip. . . when I dip, you dip, we dip.

Or something like that. The point is, you need to stimulate your hair follicles.

But before you dim the lights and lick your fingers, you need to be prepared. You’ve got to make sure your fingers are up to the task.

First, make sure your tips are nice and doughy. If that means you have to keep a tiny bottle of lotion on your keychain and stop playing guitar forever, so be it. It should also go without saying that you should keep your nails trimmed. And never go into an upper lip stimulation session without properly stretching your digits. Someone could lose a mustache. And that someone is YOU.

SLEEP

According to recent studies, 87.3 percent1 of all mustache growth occurs while you’re sleeping. Remember Rip Van Winkle?

And mustache growth practically doubles if you sleep upside down. How do you think Bat Masterson got his name?

If you want to be able to tow cars with your golden lip locks, you need at least 12 hours of sleep every day. But that’s half the day! you might say. And if you didn’t spend so much time doing math, maybe you’d have time to sleep.

OTHER OPTIONS

If all else fails, try rubbing a concoction of Rogaine and anabolic steroids on your ergotrid. Or look into a hair/face transplant.

1Not an actual statistic.