"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Actually, it only takes one beer to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

George Burns

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools."

Ernest Hemingway

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

Dave Barry

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
Innovative
Preliminary
British Constitution
Transubstantiate
Specificity
Things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me...
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.