The view from my old apartment My tips for traveling to Miami? Bring a gun. A gun and a Spanish-English dictionary. Maybe some hard drugs too, but that depends on you. Also, condoms might be useful, although typically when you are 11 mojitos into the night and tearing off a total stranger's clothes next to the lifeguard stand, protection is the last thing on your mind.

In all honesty, the most important thing to remember about going to Miami is that everyone here is out to take your money. Everyone. Starting with your cab driver. Which leads me to TRAVEL TIP #1

YOUR CAB TO SOUTH BEACH IS A $32 FLAT RATE. That's right, if your cab driver tries to charge you more it means you obviously look like you're not from here (aka White) and he knows he can take you. So don't get fooled!

SoBe Deco HotelsTRAVEL TIP #2 - HOTEL ROOMS ARE SMALL I mean like if you didn't know better you'd swear Miami was settled by the Japanese. For one or two people, this is no big deal. But if you and three of your frat brothers decide you can split two double beds at some cheap Deco place on Collins for a week of Spring Break, think again. One bed might fit one of you. And if you are female, you'll be hard pressed to fit one suitcase each into the closets

TRAVEL TIP #3 - IF YOU'RE NOT 21, DON'T BOTHER COMING - Seriously, Beach bouncers don't mess around with fake IDs. So unless you have a rock solid ID, your Spring Break will be better spent in a place with less strignent age limitations. Like, say, West Virginia. And girls, don't think just becasue you're cute and you can talk your way past whatever frat guy works the door at that shithole dive bar you go to back in State College, that you can flirt your way into clubs in Miami. It ain't wokring on South Beach, honey, so don't even try. South Beach bouncers have seen girls 10 times hotter than you on a Monday in August, so you're wasting your time. That and most of them are gay anyway so they couldn't care less how you look.

A couple of classsy ladiesTRAVEL TIP #4 - IF YOU GET A HOOKER, WATCH YOUR WALLET - You laugh, but if you've just spent 7 hours drinking and, you know, maybe indulging in some of our Beach's fine illicit products, and you've struck out with every blue-eyed tourist and bug-eyed local you could find, a good number of you are going to consider going pro. And while there's no shame in this, there is a great deal of shame in having them rob you. By no means should you EVER take off your pants, or if you do hand them to your buddy to watch for you. Because I know more than a few people who have had to spend a solid two weeks telling everyone their wallet fell out of their pocket in a cab to explain why they have to get 6 new credit cards and a new book of postage stamps.

There's a lot more here I could tell you, but that's way too much for a little site like this. Go over to Miami Beach to get all my travel tips. I get paid for those so they're probably a whole lot more useful. Oh, and don't bother going west of I-95 either. It's all corruption and trash.

But the beach is great. Really. Just be careful