HEARTBREAKS

#3)Bina

Some side notes regarding Bina. She's the most recent heartbreak. Therefore in time, she will probably rise on the list. Here is the letter I wrote her after our falling apart. We don't talk anymore.

12-1-00

Dear Bina,

            At five in the morning, I wonder about two things.  I wonder if you cried.  I wonder what song you listened to.  If you want to know my answer first I will give it to you.   Yes, after flipping through channels, tears suddenly formed in the corner of my eyes.  They did not rush out in a furious pace but came slowly like painful pearls. For the second answer I will simply say that I listened to every sad song I had on my WinAmp.  I hope you are sleeping at this hour.  I presume you probably are.  There are many things pressing inside my soul and I think I have a right to express them to you.  I ended our phone call because it was the one thing I could on my own term.  I wouldn't allow you to say good-bye to me.  You didn't have the right.  I'm still numb even after four hours, but my mind is still at work even though the heart has sobbed its way to sleep.  Speaking of the heart, I wanted to ask you if you could return it back to me.  I know you didn't ask for it, but it's a mechanism with its own brain.  I refuse to tell it what to do.  It went with you, regardless of my warning.

             I would like to take a deep dive into a pool of melancholy but my stoicism will keep me dry.  It's actually funny to see how things between you and I progressed and eventually fell apart.  Yes, you are thinking, I could probably write a short story about it, but this tale would take novel proportions to tell.  When you told me you wanted to be "just friends," I had to flee from the scene as quickly as possible.  Bina, I don't want to be friends with you.  We have a beautiful friendship.  I want you.  And I thought you wanted me.  Even as you explain the prestige that comes with friendship, you forget that you and I are a matter of the heart.  You wanted time.  I would give you eternity.  You wanted space.  I would move the Earth for you.  But no matter what, you told me that you thought we could never work out.  Never.  Any morsel of hope, not matter how miniscule was all I was looking for.  I was just asking for something, anything to grab onto. There was nothing to hold. 

            When we first went out, that Thursday, Nov. 9th, I swear my heart never beat faster.  As we strolled around your apartment complex, with the moon soft with its glow and the rain sweet with its touch, I swear God had struck the strings of magical violin and I could feel its vibrations throughout my heart.  My lips touched yours and the heavens sighed. Nothing absolutely, nothing could touch the enchantment I felt with you that night.  Maybe, it was too perfect.  Maybe, it was an ethereal dream I still haven't woken up from. 

            In matters such as this, I could seek comfort in a variety of reasons.  I could say that oh she is just an 18-year-old girl, in her first semester of college.  She's still a little child.  I could say oh she is just a fickle chick who doesn't know what she wants.  She wants this one day and that the other.  I could even justify to myself that all she wanted was some kind of hook up.  That she just liked me as a flavor of the month and now the novelty has worn off. I could even blind myself to the reason that she likes someone else.  Yet, you know I can't do that.  You are too smart, too mature, and too sweet a soul for me to draw any of those conclusions. 

            Bina, this may sound absurd but I think I have a logical point when I say that both of us became symbols to each other.  I became your David and you became my Lisa.  We never allowed each other to be one's another.  You were never my Bina and I was never your Amar.  

            In less than a month of knowing each other, I shouldn't even think about things such as this. We went out a few times, and chilled on some others.  In fact, one could say, that we barely know each other.  They’re wrong.    Things happened very fast, and maybe like you said we got caught in the moment.  At age 20, I don't know anything about the world aside of my naive notions of how it works but one thing I do know is things happen for a reason. 

            When we were lying in your bed two nights ago, you turned to me and kissed me, not with a peck on the cheek but something a little more intense.  I was surprised, but then you suddenly turned your head the other way claiming it was mistake, that it should have never happened.  And now, two days later I ask myself why did you do it?  You're the psychology major.  I should ask you.  Things happen, right?  You were probably just caught in the moment.  I want to say that you are running from your feelings.  That you kissed me because you do have feelings for me even if they are buried so deep that you can barely see them. If you just listen very clearly to that faint murmur between each heartbeat, maybe you will hear it.  Tell me you don't feel anything for me.  Tell me and I won't ask you again.  I won't demand a recount.  I promise. 

            You're probably wondering why I wrote this letter.  You would probably guess, I did so to make you feel guilty or maybe I wanted to protect my fragile heart.  I may even have done to win your heart.  Will it work? Who knows? 

 

"It had gone beyond her, beyond everything.  He had thrown himself into it with a creative passion, adding to it all the time, decking it out with every feather that drifted his way.  No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart."

 

            Bina, whenever you make the decision of where you want life to take you, I wonder if I will be even of slight importance.  I guess probably not. 

            Maybe, you will find someone who will spark your heart like you have done mine. Maybe you will find someone new or maybe even someone old.  But maybe, just maybe, we may even find each other. 

 

Adieu sweet girl,

 

Love always,

 

Am:Shah

Current Status of Relationship

My relationship with Bina is nonexistent. She says she doesn't hate me. But she does. There is no anger or animosity in her hatred. It's purely indifference. That's what hurts the most. She doesn't care. And even if I want to deny it, I still do. Recently, I ran into her cousin's boyfriend at Blockbuster. He recognized me and mentioned something about Beejal. He said he remembered seeing she and I together at a party or something. I said yeah that's right. Then he mentioned he saw her grocery shopping the day before. I asked how she was. He said she was doing good. I said that's cool. Then I said, if you see her, tell her I didn't say hi. He nodded his head and handed me Vol. 4 of the Sopranos. Bina and I can't be friends. Not now. She doesn't want a friendship. And I finally realize, I don't want one either. I still think I'm gonna marry her. HAH!

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