White & Bosche 2004

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The Issues


National and Homeland Security - Economy and Jobs
Health Care - Energy - Education - American Culture

National and Homeland Security

Other candidates offer everything from promises of increased spending to detailed explanations of how we are safer today then the day before. Our campaign cannot offer either of those, but we will are confident in a different solution.

Under our More Fun America plan, all international travelers will be scrutinized by a round of complex machinery designed to read peoples’ minds, sense any weapons and explosives and render any attacker immobile.

The genius of this plan is that the machines are nothing more than gears and blinking lights. The machines, designed as a mind game, will appear so intimidating that it is unlikely anyone wishing to do harm could bring themselves to walk through.

Approximately one month after taking office, our staff will begin the process of submitting articles to science journals describing breakthroughs in weapons detection and mind-reading software. The research, of course, will be attributed to a mock foundation.

Within six months of the introduction of this ‘technology,’ it will be installed in air and sea ports around the country.

We are confident that this campaign, when coupled with fictional stories of captured terrorists, will deter actual threats until a more reasonable solution is devised.

A new government agency, referred to as the Practical Terror Organization, will begin designing and executing elaborate practical jokes on hostile leaders and dictators of foreign nations.

Using the new guidelines for the intelligence community’s information-sharing techniques, finding ways to reach those in power of other nation states will be a simple process.

Economy & Jobs

A child working in a sweatshop as a result of globalization is not fun. Making a more fun America requires working toward a more fun world.

Under our More Fun America plan, all of the sweatshops will be bought by the American government, and the employees will be paid at or above the American minimum wage.

This can only be made possible by secretly printing more money. When we mint more money without recording it, the gross domestic product increases, the average citizen will have more money in his or her pocket and economists will see the American economy as a booming success.

Under the More Fun America plan, government television and radio broadcasting systems will be put in place, employing millions both directly and through outside contracting.

The stations, which will broadcast stations aimed at all major funny bones, will give thousands of starving artists an outlet and a paycheck, thereby keeping them off of the streets out of bad improvisation groups.

Health Care

It is our belief that health care is not a privilege, but a right. In an age of medical advancements, all humans should be able to enjoy life as thoroughly as possible.

But at the same time we realize that it is competition that drives medical advancements in America.

The More Fun America plan calls for more secret money to be minted and paid to doctors, hospitals and drug companies.

The doctors, hospitals and drug companies will be put into a new system where citizens pay the government and the government pays the third parties. This allows the government to introduce the secret money, thereby providing citizens with a reasonable price and drug companies with an incentive to develop new drugs and treatments.

Energy

The More Fun America plan entails four basic phases of energy policy.

First, all auto companies will be encouraged with tax cuts to pursue alternate energy vehicles.

Second, those driving vehicles deemed extremely fuel efficient or vehicles that use alternative energy sources will be credited in the form of tax relief.

Third, citizens’ whose income is less than $25,000 per year will not be given low-interest, government-backed loans and financial aide if they chose to switch to an alternative energy source.

Finally, all comanies producing a vehicle will be required to design at least one model that looks like an animal. Making these vehicles more fun will encourage people to purchase them and, in turn, make for a more fun America.

Education

Although some candidates may promise more money for education, they are not funding the programs they set up. And everyone knows an unfunded mandate is un-fun.

With the billions of dollars saved by cutting completely unnecessary programs like NASA, teachers everywhere will be given more opportunities to enhance their own education. Schools will be given large grants to improve their facilities and purchase needed supplies.

The other candidates have expressed interest in the space programs, but to that I ask, what is more important: putting a man in space or putting thousands of children through school? After losing a week’s worth of sleep, my conscious told me children are more important.

American Culture

Many of our older citizens and any citizens who have read anything pertaining to history may have heard of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Roosevelt created many great programs under his New Deal initiative, including one called the Farm Security Act.

The FSA was an organization that sent out photographers to document everyday American life. The More Fun America plan credits Roosevelt with this genius idea and expands upon it.

This new program will commission hundreds of musical performers to travel the country writing songs about each family or individual they run across. And because America is so diverse, the musical genres will vary.

Imagine barbershop quartets, old fashioned jazz bands, folk singers, blues artists and power metal bands traveling this great country, writing the musical narrative of our trying times.

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