fuck you fuck you for driving away my friends and for driving away my soul /I am so broken inside/ pieces are falling and falling into everyone else's hands and I can't hear anything or see the truth/ I am struggling to climb this wall of envy and hate/ all I really want is to fall and never get back up/ fuck you for making what seems so easy be so damn fucking hard / and fuck you for doing what you do at all the wrong times/ when I need to be happy/ I lose control/ I need help/

At this point in my life I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down If you give me a chance I'll try You see it's been a hard road the road I'm travelling on And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand that right now right now I'm doing the best I can at this point in my life At this point in my life although I've mostly walked in the shadows I'm still searching for the light Won't you put your faith in me We both know that's what matters If you give me a chance I'll try You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down I've been reaching high but always losing ground You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb And right now right now I'm doing the best I can at this point in my life Before we take a step Before we walk down that path Before I make any promises Before you have regrets Before we talk commitment Let me tell you of my past All I've seen and all I've done The things I'd like to forget At this point in my life At this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered as if redemption was in sight As if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs No matter if you find it You see when I've touched the sky the earth's gravity has pulled me down But now I've reconciled that in this world birds and angels get the wings to fly If you can believe in this heart of mine If you can give it a try Then I'll reach inside and find and give you All the sweetness that I have At this point in my life At this point in my life
tracy chapman

If you do the things people think you should do, the way they think you should do them, they mistakenly believe that you are okay. She knew that she was not okay. She wasn't crazy, but she was neither normal nor okay. What she did not know was who cared about her. She did not know what was wrong with her or why it mattered. She really wanted to matter to somebody. When a child does not have a mother, some portion of the mind, the soul, and the life of the child remains in a constant state of yearning and want. What the child wants is to be fed and loved in a way that only a mother can love. People-pleasing and self-denial. Never feeling like I had done enough, or that I was good enough. Always needing someone else to determine my worth. I was still looking for love. It was a huge, gaping wound that I still had not healed. There always comes a time of elimination. The earth sheds each year. The trees and flowers let go of their identity. As the old identity dies, a new identity is born. The body sheds constantly. Some of it happens invisibly, so naturally and silently that we do not realize it is happening. The heart and the spirit also shed. They shed the emotions and experiences that we no longer need. They shed the things that stunt our growth. This, too, is an invisible process. Yet because of the energy involved, the emotional energy, we often feel the emotional and spiritual shedding. It feels as if we are dying. We are. Just like the flowers and the trees, we are dying to an old identity. This shedding, or death, is not the end of us. It is the beginning. For me, the main question I had lived my life trying to find an answer to was, "Why can't people love me the way I want to be loved?" At twenty, the answer magically popped into my head, "Because you don't know how to love yourself!"
iyanla vanzant

What am I scared of? I'm scared of being open again of having people being able to see right through me. That makes you vulnerable how many times have I been hurt far too many and with each new level of pain comes a new wall to build to construct around my body like an ocean no one can cross no wonder I adore the ocean so much. It's endless impassable beautiful and more powerful than almost everything in this world, in that nothing can harm it in any way. It is made of steel what I wouldn't give for a heart of steel. Chris once told me that I had the biggest heart of anyone he knew where did all of it go, then? Who took it? Why am I like this? Why am I at this point? How the hell did I get here? Who made me this way? Who made my brain so angry? I am angry at food. Food makes my life meaningless I become simply a number on a scale. A face in the crowd. When I eliminate food I am thin I stand out I am noticed. Why am I like this? I'm angry because I don't understand how I got here, and how I can get out of this. I feel trapped yet, the longer I progress the more accustomed I get to these feelings the more like home they become. The more I realize this, the more I know that escaping these feelings is becoming smaller and smaller of a possibility. Kind of like moving to Georgia my family left our comfort zone. As is eating for me battling food is an integral part of me what would I do without it? I'd be happy and I'd start opening up and then I'd be vulnerable. I hate that. I hate opening up. You know you're going to get hurt you know these people are going to find new friends soon, and you know they will forget all about you. It happens all the time too bad I don't have a family to depend on. It's said that your family is all you have, in the end. Well, what if you don't have your family to begin with? I guess you're screwed then. That's nothing new.